Me: Right, I have a dissertation due in eight weeks, best get on and write the literature review.

ADHD: But this is boring, there are too many words, who wants to read through long articles?

Me: Well, I do, because some are quite interesting, and I really value this degree.

OCD: THE HOUSE IS NOT CLEAN. STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CLEAN IT.

ASD: OCD is right, ORDER, ORDER, we must have order and structure in this residence. We also must have strict order in how we approach this literature review.

Fibromyalgia: But I am too tired to study or clean, I will cause you pain if you do. I really need rest.

Me: Getting bored of this now, I just want to do my work in peace. I cannot give you rest now but I can later, I have work to do.

ADHD: Yeah right, resting is boring, so is studying, remember that sale online? Quick, get on it, you NEED that bargain!

OCD: Excuse me? THE HOUSE IS NOT CLEAN. STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CLEAN IT.

ADHD: Quick! Quick! The sale! Oh, and I want to look up travel destinations too. Much more interesting.

Me: I spent 5 hours over the weekend looking up holidays, that I never book. Enough now.

ASD: We will search for 5 hours; we will find 10 articles. We will not leave this desk until we do. I WILL maintain order and routine.

ADHD: How dare you ASD, the best way is to just randomly search then end up looking for articles on random topics that are unrelated to the dissertation (whilst looking for holidays) and also whilst doom scrolling on social media.

OCD: CLEAN THIS HOUSE. Stop ignoring me or I will step it up to constant thoughts I know you do not like.

Me: I just want to find these articles I am really worried about running out of time.

OCD: Fine- There is dirt on the floor. There are germs on the desk. Can you smell that smell?

Fibromyalgia: Hey, I told you I am tired, but you are not listening, suit yourself, I now give you burning pain everywhere.

Me: I literally just want to find these articles and feel okay. This degree means a lot to me.

Spine:  I now bring you pain too; sorry you cannot type today without pain; I will also make you drop everything.

ADHD: Ignore them, we must find that holiday, it is more important than anything else.

OCD: Its not more important than cleaning this house though. CLEAN THIS HOUSE.

Me: I have really had enough of all this; I wish they would all go away. What matters to me is learning.

ADHD: Singing: Once I was a fisherman with flowers in my hair…la la la la la la..

ADHD: Singing: A fisherman with flowers in my hair…. La la la la la la….

Me: That is not even the words! This is ridiculous. Okay fine, I will clean, and I will search for holidays, then I will feel bad I have not done my work, then I will only have about 2 weeks to cram everything in at the end of this course- happy now?

ADHD: Extremely! I will be quiet now.

OCD: Yup! I told you the house needed cleaning.

ASD: No, you changed what we set out to do, you know I hate changes.

Fibromyalgia: Nope, I will just bring you pain now for days.

Spine: Good luck with that, you know I am meant to be rested, tomorrow you will not be able to sit at a desk as I will ensure you cannot move your neck well.

Me: Email to tutor “Hello, I am wondering if you could offer some guidance on how to complete an entire dissertation in only 8 weeks, I am struggling to get this done and am worried about not achieving as well”

Tutor: “I have seen students do this before, it is achievable but avoid distractions”

Me: To all gremlins: I need you to stop, you do not control me, I love learning and underneath all of you; my values are to achieve and do well. Sometimes you beat me, but I REALLY need you to lay off now. I cannot keep dealing with this every time I try to study, or really do anything!

Them all (aside from ADHD): She means business, we need to lay off for a few weeks before we start again!

ADHD: Fine, but I won’t stop the songs! FISHERMAN WITH FLOWERS IN HER HAIR…..

Me: Righto, I mean its better than when “O e o ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang” was stuck in my head for 3 years! Quite comical this one!