Let me introduce you to my gremlins, ADHD, OCD and Autism.

Boxing day 2024; Today I got a thought that visiting some shops in the busy Christmas sales was a fabulous idea! I ignored my body and the autism both of which screamed at me to stay home and rest in my comfortable, peaceful abode. I was quite happy at home, but I went anyway. Because the ADHD gets an idea and before I know it, there I am, doing an activity that I have zero interest in doing but appear to do anyway - because a fleeting thought quickly becomes a hyper fixation. The ADHD does not really like routine or order, but the autism and OCD do, so they argue. The ADHD often wins, much to mine, the OCDs and the autisms distaste.

 

In town I met friends, we went to a busy, noisy restaurant. My fingers twirled constantly, my leg jiggling and my head was spinning from the noise. I sat there silently planning my escape, whilst trying to focus on my friend’s news. I have no idea why I do these things; it is never fun. All I want to do is escape. Well… I do know why, the ADHD loves spontaneity, being the absolute gremlin that it is. I glance around and wonder why people talk about the things they do. They discuss things that I have trained myself over the years to ask about, such as the weather, or what they are doing on holiday. I learnt that if I do that, then I fit in more. People grew tired of talking about my interests or deep subjects, they thought it rather odd. Frankly I would rather discuss the meaning of life or the state of the world, but apparently that is weird! So those subjects must be kept in a box, until I meet people who enjoy discussions of such topics.

 

After I left, I walked around town, people were everywhere, and they kept bumping into me. I felt invaded and could feel stress, anxiety and frustration bubbling, I wanted to escape that very moment but could not. People cut in front of me, seemingly completely unaware that their big heavy shopping bags hit my legs. I wanted to scream. On I went, forcing myself to continue aimlessly traipsing around the shops. I wondered what on earth am I doing here? I felt shame and so disappointed that I had allowed myself to become embroiled in classic capitalism. I wished I had just stayed at home, because it was much nicer. Rather than this bizarre situation I voluntarily pursued where I felt my skin crawling and my mind screaming. I remembered that ADHD the swine, had sought the perfect coat that very same day, so of course, waiting seemed impossible.

 

It is a funny old thing this brain of mine, I wish it would just give me a break.

 

I decided to skip a few shops after remembering there was a reason I felt this way, the autism hates busy places. I was not actually just abnormal! Gleefully I felt hope that I could reduce stimuli and feel better again. I did not know this some years ago, because I was diagnosed late, like so many women are. I used to force myself to do these things before recognising I did not have to, and it never ended well. The call of my home was strong, as soon as I got in, I told my family I was taking some time out and proceeded to sit in a quiet dark room for a while. I have learnt this regulates my central nervous system and quiets the autism. Well until ADHD fights against it and screams “We MUST do something! We cannot sit here resting it is a WASTE OF TIME!” and I scream back – “BE QUIET BRAIN!”

 

That ADHD really is a bane to my life.

 

I used much capacity today, so I must put off jobs until tomorrow. It feels very uncomfortable doing this, because the autism and OCD like everything ordered, perfect and complete. But sometimes this cannot happen, because life is imperfect. So, I try to accept the imperfections and accept I cannot achieve everything. This is hard, but it is necessary because the ADHD creates chaos. It often feels like ADHD is on one shoulder and autism and OCD are on the other

and they argue. ADHD likes to be wild and free, and autism likes to be quiet, ordered and to have nothing changed, OCD just likes everything perfect. You could call them enemies, they certainly wind each other up, and me in the process! I try to find humour in this, which is why I describe here ADHD, OCD and autism as annoying gremlins. Nature, rest, supportive people, accessibility considerations, compassion and learning skills to manage them all help keep these little gremlins at bay. So that I can control them, not the other way around.

 

I will end this on; I did not even need a winter coat; I forgot I already have five!

 

Samantha Morgan. 

 

Please feel free to follow my LinkedIn, I am setting up a blog to continue writing creatively to increase understanding. Alongside being interested in public speaking and mentoring.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/samantha-morgan-024607347?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=android_app